Dear Martine:
I have been in a relationship for around 3 years and we are both in our early 30’s. My boyfriend and I have no previous marriages or children. I know in my heart that I am ready to settle down and start a family. He shows no interest in moving forward. Should I give up and move on? I do not feel like I have time to wait around. I am scared that I will make a wrong decision and end up alone- no boyfriend, no family & no children.
Dear Reader:
I empathize with your situation. Let me applaud your honesty in saying that you are afraid. Now you have to deal with that fear head on. Being alone is something you may want to avoid, but not fear. You will have to embrace that you will be OK alone, or you will just end up stuck there. Normally, I would get a lot more detail before I would counsel someone in this situation. You say he shows “no interest”. Is this because you already presented him with an ultimatum? Did he always present himself as not wanting a commitment or children, or did something change? I think you should not give up but step up. I guarantee that you will have future boyfriends regardless of what happens here. The point is, you have to know that. If you know that marriage and children is what you want, how could you remain happy with someone who doesn’t share that goal? I think you need to backup. Detach from the outcome of a marriage proposal. In essence, decide if you really, really truly want to marry him. Give yourself say 3 to 6 months. Then try communicating with your man, and this is key, in a non-confrontational way. What he feels is pressured. That is why any kind of confrontation will not work.
Do not try to convince him he should marry you, that will work against you. Just honestly, and without judging, try and listen to what he wants and why. If he says he needs time, tell him, you understand, this is a big decision. Tell him while he is thinking it over, you know he wouldn’t want to hold you back from finding your life partner. You want to be honest and open about this process, so you will be increasing your social circle. Then do just that. Go away with friends the next weekend, or by yourself if necessary. Don’t call and check in. Make your life as great as it can be independently of him. If he sees that you are not dependent on him for your happiness, he may have more faith that you have the skills to be in a successful marriage. In a marriage you have to find a way to be happy even while you disagree. And if you have to move on, remember, don’t move in with someone if your true desire is to be married. My best wishes for the future you deserve filled with love, joy, children and a rewarding marriage.
