Are you having your relationship all in your own mind?

Sharing some of the gems I have figured out for clients. Are you having your relationship all in your own head? One of my clients recently started dating a guy that she likes. She was considering whether she should break up with him because he wasn’t acting as she expected. The best part – she hadn’t told HIM anything. She had told all her friends, her sister and me about these things. So I asked a simple question – does HE know you aren’t comfortable with this? Have you asked him to approach you differently? At least put it out there, or he can’t respond. He can’t read your mind. And he can’t fix what he doesn’t even know is wrong. The truth is your friend. Be brave and tell your partner what you want first. And PS, the same is true if it the he and she in this story is reversed.

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Why am I still single?

 

By Martine Friedman O’Keefe

Why am I still single?  This is the hunka hunka burning question in everyone’s minds.

The answer is that you are still single because you haven’t figured out how to be “coupled”. In a sense, you are so used to being single, it becomes difficult to overcome the habit of being single, and the myths you buy:  like “I intimidate men” or  ”women just like men with money” to comfort yourself.

Top 5 differences between singles who stay single and singles who become part of a couple

#1

Single you

You expect everyone to perform exactly on cue on your first dates

vs.

Soon to be coupled you

You realize dating is messy and you dive in anyway

#2

Single you

You carry your wounds with you, you feel all of the opposite sex behave the same so you can’t let anyone in

vs.

Soon to be coupled you

You acknowledge your wounds, and accept them so they don’t define you

#3

Single you

There is no one good enough for you.  You don’t want to get involved with someone who might end up with a medical problem (which is everyone), or who isn’t perfectly financially set for life (which is almost no one), or doesn’t like all the same things you like (can’t handle any conflict).

vs.

Soon to be coupled you

You recognize your own flaws, and see people as a package of characteristics.  You don’t get hung up on one mistake, or two, but you will walk away from a consistent pattern of mistakes.

#4

Single you

You look for all the reasons it won’t ever work.  There is a fatal flaw there and you will uncover it through interrogation or any means necessary.  This is called “being jaded” or not even giving it a chance.

vs.

Soon to be coupled you

You look for reasons why it might work.  You find things in common.  You bring the chemistry to your dates.

#5

Single you

Everything you think about why you are single is probably wrong.  There are many more myths about why people are single than there is truth.  Dating is complicated.

vs.

Soon to be coupled you

You stopped and studied who you really are, and what you really actually need, which if you are healthy is a whole lot less than your still searching single counterpart.  Your search is authentic, not a contest to see whose mate gets the highest score when ranked by friends. You are willing to deal in reality.  It’s called confidence.  It’s the biggest aphrodisiac. But it isn’t Wolf of Wall Street confidence, it’s confidence blended with empathy and humility.

Be a great person, like the one you seek to find a relationship with, and you will attract someone on your level.  If you are strong enough to be vulnerable, if you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep trying until it takes, then you will find the love you seek.

 

 

 

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From Single to Success at Love

 

Thoughts from Coach Love,

As soon as summer winds down, the heat turns back up in the dating world.  Everyone who thought they’d meet someone during the summer realizes that they haven’t.  Even though it still might feel like summer to singles in Charleston, SC, the dating scene should improve with all the events going on.  I always say, face to face is the best way to meet someone.

My best thought for single professionals is to flow with the seasons.  Back to school fever has taken hold, and actually, taking a class might be a great way to meet a  partner whose compatibility is more than flesh deep.  So whether your love is photography, kayaking or horseback riding, get out and enjoy one of the best seasons in Charleston while you are searching for singles like you!

With Love from Charleston,

Coach Love

 

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Analyze This!

analysis-paralysisGreat blog from Evan Marc Katz a few days ago regarding what most people know as “analysis paralysis”, in which we make our lives worse waiting to find the best possible outcome for our situation.  The same holds true for love.  In Katz’s post, Are You Content With Good Enough Or Are You Holding Out For The Best? , we agree with his belief that “you can have high standards and still find happiness.”

Within the post is featured a video interview with Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice.   According to Schwartz, those who insist they will not settle with regard to their choice of a mate, no matter what, oftentimes find themselves never satisfied with any choice they ultimately make.

Holding out for “the best” or bust, often leaves you paralyzed and unhappy. Or perpetually single, as it might be.

We agree with both Schwartz and Katz; it’s certainly OK to be selective and we strongly suggest being so.  Perfection is very rare to come by.  Your imagination can always conjure up someone better.

Remember, life is not always black or white…but shades of grey.

 

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Half a Million People…You’re in Good Company!

We’ve all been through it before…that time when your significant other drops you from untitledtheir life.  It’s obvious to everyone else that you simply need to “get over it” and “move on”.  But, to you, it’s not that easy because you two had “something special”.

With over half-a-million people ditched in the USA EACH DAY - according to research from a recent Glamour Magazine article - this data should soften the blow of any romantic breakup you may incur.  If not, you may want to follow the 10 tips within this Glamour article…

10 Breakup Tips From the Wise Friend You Always Listen To

We especially like #9 “Go do stuff”, as it does not mean listening to sad songs or eating your favorite ice cream.  But, it does encourage you to not be afraid to do things like see a movie (a funny one), or go to a great restaurant by yourself – it can be very liberating!

As Glamour Mag states: “Whatever you do, do NOT simply “accept that you have emotions and then fall into them.” That’s terrible advice.”

We agree!!!

 

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He’s Got a Great Sense of Humor…Not!

Why is This Man Laughing?

Why is This Man Laughing?

Interesting piece from Dating Guru, Evan Marc Katz, last month regarding the ability to be happy with a mate who is not funny?   As Evan mentioned,  “if you make it a deal breaker, it’s a deal breaker. If you don’t, it’s not.” In addition, he mentioned that this question could be replaced with any “affliction”, such as your partner not making enough money, religious views, sex drive, etc…  No matter what, they do bring something to the table with regard to the relationship.  You simply have to see it as more than just a simple “black or white” issue.

But, when it comes to humor, Katz provides a list to follow if this becomes an issue in your relationship…

1. You want a partner who gets the joke. This is a non-negotiable. If you think you’re funny, you’d better be with someone who actually agrees with you. My former writing partner had a girlfriend who thought he was cute and smart, but didn’t find him funny at all. This drove him crazy, since he thought being funny was one of his most valued traits.

 Read the rest of Mark’s list here: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/can-i-be-happy-with-a-man-who-isnt-funny/

In reality, you can always get your humor quotient filled by family members or other friends.   Ultimately, you need to look at the partnership as a whole…if it’s positive and your mate makes you feel good overall and can appreciate you and support you – that is the key to a successful relationship.

For more info on how Martine can help you, contact us at http://facetofacecharleston.com

 

 

 

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Ready For Love…Is It Ready For Television?

2013_0222_NBCU_ReadyForLove_Hero_970x400_CAThe very first episode of ready for love aired last night after the Voice, which I am a huge fan of.  I was surprised that I liked RFL a lot better than the previous versions of matchmaking shows that have been out.

The show is basically the format of American Idol in that you’ve got multiple people competing for one slot — the slot of course is marrying, in this case a bachelor, who is Tim Lopez; a real life rock star and lead singer of the Palin White T’s.

In the show, they do a lot in threes — there are three matchmakers. Each Matchmaker has a number of people on their team and they eliminate them one-by-one to get it down to three contestants from each matchmaker for a total of nine candidates for Tim.  Tim then meets all the girls — they pack a lot in on this show.

MatchmakerThe three matchmakers are:  Amber Kelleher-Andrews, an internationally renowned relationship expert and matchmaker.  The second matchmaker is Matt Hussey, a motivational speaker who is out of London.  The third matchmaker, Tracy McMillan, is actually a relationship author, which gives things slightly different spin as she serves as a coach.

After the dates, the matchmakers critique all their team members, and select one to go home.

One of  big tips to take away from last night - the first date should be like a playdate, light and fun.

Matt Hussey talked about emotion versus logic on the date which I thought was good advice.  There was also a girl with this very long list that she trotted out and  told Tim he met like 25 things on this list, and of course Matt is left thinking, wow I only meet half her requirements!

I think right now the show is fairly believable because the first guy they have up is already Ready for Love - Season 1a successful entertainer who is probably used to living in front of the camera to some degree.  So it sort of feels normal for them to be in his world and on TV and he is used to living in the fishbowl and just let your whole life hang out there.

But yes, I feel like it’s real enough that this particular guy should be able to find a woman that he could definitely spend the rest of his life with out of these nine womenl.  I thought that the matchmakers did a really good job of finding compatible people, people that could be Tim’s soulmate – people with the right passions for music.  It’s a very diverse lineup and I just I like the way they put the show together.

They also have this thing with this girl Leah, somebody who applied because she knew Tim from before and had a secret crush on him.  Well, she got sent home — he didn’t feel it for her before and last night, nothing changed.

The one major premise I wonder about is this.  I would put Tim with someone who wanted to tour with him.  A couple of them mentioned trying to find independent people who will stay faithful while he’s gone 330 days a year. That is bound to fail in my opinion.  I mean Steven Tyler ended up with his accountant – and she is on the road with him :)

 

 

 

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Face to Face with Charleston’s Dating Scene!

We loved having Face to Face founder, Martine Friedman-O’Keefe, provide her expert consult with regard to Charleston Magazine’s spread on Valentine’s Day and the Charleston dating scene.  In fact, the magazine even used some heart mouse trapgreat facts and figures, mentioning an analysis which Martine had provided them from the 2011 Census.  The findings were to be attributed to her in the “Matchmaker Matchmaker” feature, and did appear in the Editor’s Note – Love By the Numbers.

 “It has long been said that the Holy City heavily favors men with its surplus of women. But that rumor can be officially put to rest. According to a 2011 U.S. Census survey, when it comes to single males and females ages 20-plus here, the ratio is 1.2 to 1—hardly the significant advantage guys have bragged about for years.”

Martine Friedman O’Keefe said –”It’s so gratifying to see Darcy Shankland publish the analysis I did, and jump on board with me to dispel that rumor.  It was important to me do this kind of research when I opened the company so I wasn’t operating on myths and hearsay.”  Having an MBA in Marketing Management, it occurred to me to just pull the data and see !

When it comes to successful matchmaking in Charleston, there’s no denying that Martine knows her stuff - just ask Charleston Magazine!

Thanks to Jennifer Dienst and Darcy Shankland for helping Charlestonians find love again!

 

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Matchmaker, Matchmaker!

They’ve seen it all—the good, the bad, the awkward. Two local pros, including Face to Face Charleston’s Martine Freidman, share their tips for successfully finding and wooing a mate with CharlestonMag.com

matchmakermain_0

Continue reading →

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Third Annual Valentine’s Day Party for Single Professionals

Even YOU will love Valentine’s Day this year!

Celebrate with Face to Face Charleston at our Valentine’s Day Party for Single Professionals and meet the best people!  This festive evening will include hors d’oeuvres, drink specials, champagne, and chocolate.  Bring friends and make new ones. Build personal relationships and network with like-minded business professionals. You might even meet a Valentine!

When: Thursday, February 14 from 6:00pm to 9:00pm

Where: Charleston Marriott

For full details & to Register click here

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